Growing a Human: The Happiness and Hurt

"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

-Elizabeth Stone

Now that we've gone public with our exciting news, I want to share with y'all some of my thoughts on growing a human!

I was thinking about how blessed we are to be able to create a human. I know that God has given us this power and ability, but it is so wonderful that we can hold such a special gift! 

There is so much more responsibility involved now! (And it won't end from here on out! haha!) I have to think twice before eating certain foods, participating in physical activities, and basically every single thing I do each day. 

To literally hold another person's life in my "hands" is so incredible yet so terrifying. 

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mother. I was a baby hog. I loved my baby cousins! I loved my water babies. I loved all little kids. So when that dream came true a few months ago, I was over the moon!

After 14 months of not getting pregnant, I'd just about given up. I know that seems silly, but I was tired of disappointment. In reality, 14 months is nothing. I know that it takes some people 5 or 10 years. I even have a few close friends that have adopted and some that are in the process of adoption. It breaks my heart, but I am so grateful there are other options! I've always wanted to adopt. I think we will still adopt or foster at some point.

There were times where I was mad at my body. I would break down from time to time and call myself "broken". I didn't know what I was doing wrong! What I didn't realize is that it wasn't me; it was my silly body acting up!

Thomas comforted me each and every time I would get upset. Through my sobs and tears, he would rub my back and tell me I wasn't broken. Sometimes Satan can get to you and make you feel worthless. I am so glad I have the knowledge that Heavenly Father will bless us and give us exactly what we need. Sometimes it's on His time and not ours.

I am so blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband. The month before I got pregnant, I told Thomas I was burnt out. I didn't want to be disappointed again and again with negative tests. I asked him if he wanted us to keep trying or to take a break. He wanted to keep trying. And thank goodness he did!

We are so blessed now thanks to modern medicine and wonderful doctors! Once we got my body to cooperate, the rest was easy. I was put on Clomid. They let you take it for up to 6 months. Luckily, I was only on it for 3 months.

Typically, you hear that women get more and more stressed the longer it takes to get pregnant. I was so stressed before taking Clomid. And I was so anxious the first month! A lot of people only need it once. That wasn't the case for me. On the second month, I wasn't nearly as anxious. By month 3, I hadn't necessarily given up, but I definitely wasn't getting my hopes up. I knew it would happen when it was supposed to happen. And it did!

This wasn't planned, but this post led me to another part in the story...

Now, I'm gonna get real with y'all for a minute. As someone that has struggled with infertility, I have something I need to share. I know you've all heard of or have read articles that tell you what you should and should not say to people struggling from infertility. 

Honestly, infertility is on your mind all the time. It may not be your every thought, but it certainly does come up a lot. When you ask about it, it's like salt in a wound. I know this sounds a little dramatic, but it's different for everyone.

Some of my friends would say things like "Are you pregnant yet?!" or "Are you guys trying to have kids?" Or "When will you have kids?". Honestly, it's not that easy. These words didn't exactly hurt, but they weren't fun. I knew my friends cared about me and they were just curious, but it wasn't exactly appropriate. 

Others would ask me every single time I saw them. That was the absolute worst. It was hard to hold back the tears. I would just grit my teeth, smile, and tell them that, no, I wasn't pregnant yet and yes, the treatments are going well. We were friends, so I felt like I should include them in every single detail of our struggle. I realize now that I shouldn't have done that. It made things worse and it really wasn't any of their business.

It was hard when friends would get pregnant very quickly, then expect the same to happen to you. If I could snap my fingers...

Eventually, I grew a thicker skin and didn't give as much information. I just said things were going well and left it at that. It made the sting of the questions a little more bearable. I hated the 20 questions and having to give a play by play.

I know all of my friends meant well, it just made things harder. It felt like something so sensitive and personal was so out in the open and not just our business anymore. We did tell close friends about our struggle, but I didn't expect so many questions. Maybe I'm just more sensitive than other people. Maybe not.

I don't write these things to try and upset anyone. I write this to help you understand what it's like from our side. I know many of you have similar struggles and I understand that every situation is very different.

This is more than I ever planned on sharing about this, but it was weighing on my mind.

We want to thank everyone for all of the support we've had! It's so exciting to share such wonderful news with all of our friends! We are so excited to invite our little one into the world! Stay tuned for more baby updates!

6 week sonogram

11 week sonogram

We love you all!