Be Patient

Roughly four years ago I said a prayer that would change my life. At the time I had no idea just how much I would hang onto that moment.

Thomas and I had been married for about 4 months. We always talked about waiting until we were married a year before we'd start trying for a baby. After a few short months of marriage, we decided to pray together to help us decide if it was the right decision. I immediately received an answer.

That was not the answer I was expecting, but I was satisfied with it. At the time.

Months passed. We didn't tackle the whole pregnancy thing very hard. We just decided to stop preventing and let things happen. We waited. And nothing happened. So we waited some more. Nothing. After about a year of no luck, I decided to go see my OBGYN and find out what was going on. Sometimes waiting that long is normal and there are no complications. And sometimes there are many complications. And boy do I have them.

I have a condition called PCOS. Long story short (so I don't bore you with all the girly details), PCOS makes it very difficult to conceive. They don't know very much about it, but science is slowly catching up. Modern medicine is a beautiful thing. And I thank the doctors and medicine for giving me my beautiful son.

I had a scan at the RE and a normal person my age has 20 visible follicles on each ovary. I had over 40 on each side! Hello jacked up ovulation! She called my follicles "RUSTY!" Hahahaha

Fast forward to now. I have a beautiful, living, breathing child. I should be happy, right? I feel so selfish wanting more when I have close, close friends that are almost 10 years into trying to get their first child.

Every journey is different and we all react to our struggles and cope in very unique ways. I struggle with patience and have found I heal through writing. Putting my thoughts and emotions into words is very therapeutic. I am so glad I've documented some of the most trying times of my life. This journal is something I want to reflect on, share with my children, and hopefully help others with similar struggles.

The year of 2016 was not exactly good for us in terms of babies. Two losses back to back is a little hard to handle. But it is part of the adventure. Our adventure. Our family is still waiting for a few more babes to join us. And we can't wait until we are complete.

Receiving the answer of "Be patient" when asking if we were ready for a child has brought me so much comfort. Heavenly Father knew I would hang onto those words for years. I didn't know it, but He sure did. He knew I would seek comfort in His direction and guidance.

I struggle with patience in all areas of life, but infertility has been, by far, the hardest. Not only how difficult is is to conceive, but keeping babies growing inside of me.

I recently met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and it was perfect. I finally understood what PCOS is, how it affects me, and what I need to do. We have a new game plan and it is the sweetest relief. It was a long, intense 2.5 hour appointment. I saw lots of different people and got poked and prodded in many different ways. I had 17 vials of blood pulled (required both arms!), a transvaginal ultrasound (it's just as bad as it sounds if you haven't had one!), consultations, waiting, paperwork, waiting, mashing all over my body, etc. My favorite part was how excited she was that I was already on a low carb diet! Specifically Keto. It has been life changing. She said I was already halfway there because of my diet changes. I've heard a lot of horror stories of doctors with old school thinking and terrible recommendations, so this was a major relief. It's always nice to hear that you're doing the right thing in healing your body!

The umpteen blood pulls were for genetic testing. I fall into the "recurrant losses" category, so they want to rule out any potential issues I may have. So many things were mentioned as potential reason for loss; Lupus and other autoimmune disorders, clotting disorders, etc. It all sounds so scary, but I'm hoping it will give us some answers. The fact that we have one perfectly healthy child is very promising, but it's still scary not knowing much about my losses. All seemed perfect and then suddenly they were over. But even after all that testing, there's a good chance we may never know the cause. And that's okay.

My RE acted like I was the only person in the entire world. She let me ask any and all questions. So, SO many people have offered "advice" when they learn about my infertility and losses. I know they mean well, but I've heard some extremely bizarre things. Some advice seems legitimate while other suggestions come off as...horse honky (don't ask where that came from. It was used in my house growing up and even Dr. Google has no idea!).

All in all, the visit was amazing. We will start back on the same regimen that seemed to work when we were TTC Link. Clomid and Metformin. PCOS makes my insulin all wonky, so the Met will help with that. Clomid will be at the max dose again. I'm not looking forward to the crazy hormonal and emotional issues that come with synthetic hormones, but at least I know what to look out for now! 

I am so happy. Happier than I have been in a long time in regard to my fertility struggles. My patience is growing and I am content. Two lines doesn't always mean a happy ending, but I'm hopeful. I will be monitored very closely with the RE and cannot wait to add to our family.

Love,

Jenny