The Sweetest Spirit

When Abbie Rae was just a few weeks old I had a really special moment with her that I'll never forget. She was in the baby wrap while I cleaned the kitchen, did dishes, and attempted to make dinner. At one point I looked down at her. She usually had that goofy cross eyed newborn gaze that always made me laugh, but this time it was different. She caught my gaze. I looked into her sweet little eyes and she focused in on me. She could see me perfectly and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of pure love.

We hit the ground running as soon as we got home from the hospital. Literally. My parents were still in town and there were lots of fun Fall events I wanted to attend. I was feeling great, so life just carried on as normal with the baby in the wrap rather than my womb.

Everything about my labor and delivery with Abbie Rae was so different from Lincoln. Recovery was also very different as well. I sat in bed for the first week I was home with Lincoln. We basically just napped and worked on breastfeeding for the first few weeks. I didn't really go anywhere and just soaked him up. After infertility, you cling to the joy of finally having your baby here and in your arms. There's nothing like your first baby.

My feelings and emotions with Abbie Rae were totally different. After a few miscarriages, I was over the moon to have a surprise pregnancy with her. She was the light at the end of the tunnel of heartache and loss. My rainbow baby. But it was still different. Adding another babe was almost a feeling of just going through the motions. Have first baby: ✔. Have second baby: ✔. Even though she had been longed for between continued infertility and loss, I didn't necessarily have that overwhelming feeling of connection when she joined us. It was just someone else added into our routine.

It wasn't until that sweet moment where we met each other's gaze in the kitchen did I fall in love with her. I'd always heard some mothers say they didn't feel that immediate connection and overwhelming love for their baby at first sight. And they were ashamed. But I honestly think it's more common than anyone would ever admit. I'm not even sure I had that gushy, overwhelming love for Lincoln at first either. It was all so new and different. I needed that adjustment period.

Now, I am legitimately OBSESSED with Lincoln. I think most of you already know that based on the umpteen photos and posts I make on the daily! I cannot imagine life without that little stinker. He's getting cuter and cuter by the day. He is repeating everything I say (yikes!) and has the funniest sense of humor. Thomas and I just laugh during Lincoln's cute little stories and jokes. He's constantly chattering about his friends and cousins. We love how he says balloon (buh-yoon) and cute little things he does.

Restarting with a newborn is so fun in such a different way. I get to enjoy the snuggles and naps and sleepy smiles. The cooing and breastfeeding and being able to live out my lifelong dream as a mom once again. We're definitely in that phase of "stop growing and stay tiny and sweet forever" but also yearning for first laughs, first steps and all of the things that happen too fast in the first year.

Losing babies will always leave a tiny hole in my heart, but adding yet another sweet spirit into our family has made that hole just a little bit smaller. I think about those babies often. I'm not quite sure if those pregnancies were Abbie Rae just waiting to make her appearance, or if there are two little spirits waiting for me in heaven. Either way, I have grown with each pregnancy and loss. I appreciate the ability I have to carry healthy children and bring them to this world.

Our little family of four doesn't feel complete just yet, but we'll save those baby hungry hormones for another time! I was so ready to have another the first week home with Lincoln. I definitely don't have those same feelings this time around! Juggling two has been easier than I imagined, but it's still hard work. I want to continue to enjoy Lincoln's goofy stage and Abbie Rae as much as I can.