Focus

I knew sharing about our most recent attempt to conceive meant opening a very vulnerable door. I don't usually share about such sensitive things until after I'm pregnant for a lot of reasons. In the past, when others were aware of our attempts to conceive, I was often bombarded with questions about updates, if we were successful, etc. It's already so exhausting and draining to get bad news from the doctor, but it's even harder to have to "report" the failed attempt to others. I quickly learned when to share and who to include in such intimate parts of our journey. I know, know, the questions from others were from places of complete love and support, but it was just very hard to tell them. Somehow I was more focused on their feelings and emotions than my own and I can see now how harmful that can be to my mental health.

Just the other day an acquaintance that is aware of us trying to conceive asked me for an update on my situation. While it came from a good place, it was 100% none of their business. I had a scheduling conflict and they were aware of me needing to go to the doctor to get labs drawn, so naturally they were now "in the know". I was kicking myself for even telling them, but it was a weird situation. And not having any good news to share with them was awkward. Either they'll wait for me to update them, ask me point blank, or we will ignore it until it's obvious I have no good news to share.

I guess this is also my "it didn't work so we're taking a break" for those who have been following along. I had such high hopes for this last round of treatment. But unfortunately the timing just isn't right. So now we will take a very long break. This has been my main focus for such a long time that it's time I take a step back.

I was recently asked, for the umpteenth time, if I was pregnant. It's always shocking and then makes me physically ill to have to say no. It crushes me in so many different ways and for a long time. The most recent occurrence was in front of a large crowd and very embarrassing. I had to say "no" to this person and walk out quickly before I broke down entirely. This was the third time this particular person has asked me this question, too. Very frustrating. I want to sit down with them and explain in a calm way how inappropriate that kind of question can be. Otherwise I'm afraid they'll do it again and I'm going to eXpLoDe 😓.

I finally sent off a message to my doctor that I'm going to put a hold on things until a later date. I'm still not sure when that will be, but it was heartbreaking and refreshing to send that message. It closes that door so I can stop stressing, stop worrying and obsessing, and just move on.

My goal right now is to just shift my focus completely. I'm not sure what that will look like just yet, but I'm hoping it helps me get out of such a weird funk. I feel immense guilt because I've been so distracted and consumed by all of this that my kids aren't my main focus. And that seems so backwards! I need to live in the now and today. Re-shift my focus on what I do have. Appreciate all the little changes I'm seeing in my children and make sure I'm present for them.

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us. It's a rollercoaster sometimes, but getting our last little baby here will be worth the wait.

❤️