Who You Would Have Been

This morning I shared this message with our friends and family:

"Infertility is real. Miscarriage is real. I can't wait for the day when my sweet little boy can hold hands with a sibling and love them just as much as we do. Heavenly Father had other plans for this baby and for us. I can now wrap my arms around every woman that has been through this and understand, even if just a little. We dreamed of a baby that would have been. Life is beautiful and we have so much love and support in a tough time. Sad things happen, but the sweet things will just be even sweeter now."

Thomas and I have struggled with infertility for almost four years, as many of you already know. While pregnant with Lincoln, I wrote this post: Growing a Human: The Happiness and Hurt. It was the first time I ever really opened up about our struggle with infertility. And now I want to open up about our struggles with losing a pregnancy. Writing helps me heal and process.

There's always a nervousness with telling anyone you're pregnant, but we were so excited that we told all of our family and most close friends. I wanted to tell everyone early on and no matter what the outcome. If I'm comfortable telling them the news, then I am comfortable telling them of a loss. It's never easy, but the outpouring love and support we've received has made this process so much easier. And I'm so glad we shared the loss. It's helping us find joy in the journey.

It's still hard, but we're doing well. We are hurting emotionally and physically (with the natural process of loss), but we're looking forward to new beginnings once again.


Our Story:
Thomas and I decided it was time to make our little family of three into a family of four by 2017. Everything was planned out perfectly. We would start the Clomid and have a January or February baby. There was a lot of drama with my obgyn and details that I won't bore you with, but there was a fight. I was refused the Clomid and fought to get them to prescribe it for weeks . Then they finally called in the Rx and the wait was on. It seemed like the perfect plan.

I started taking pregnancy tests very early on. I was hanging onto every hope and every "symptom" I was feeling. I had a few of the typical symptoms, but nothing too severe. It was still really early. I ended up getting a clear test after a few days of testing. I was over the moon. I had everything planned out. I was going to surprise Thomas with the test, a newborn onesie, and Lincoln would give him an "I'm a Big Brother" book. It was so much fun planning and trying to hide the fact that I already knew. Once I got a clearer test, I wrapped it up and told Thomas the next morning. We were all so excited. I even video recorded his reaction! It was priceless.

A few days later I had some spotting. Nothing severe, but a little alarming. Spotting is very common, so I tried not to stress about it too much.

The next day was fine. I still had early pregnancy symptoms, there were still positive tests, and no spotting.

The following day, Memorial Day, we told all of our close friends and family. We put Lincoln in his big brother shirt and had him run around. It took a little bit longer for people to catch on than I ever expected, but it was so much fun.

That night I had more spotting. By the next morning it got worse. I begged my obgyn to pull blood to let me know what was going on. They refused me. I marched into their office and demanded they take my blood. It was only then that they told me I could come back the next morning to have the blood work done. Even though I knew it was most likely a loss, I wanted to do everything I could to try and save it.

By this morning it was very clear things weren't going to work out. And we were heartbroken.

I had a meltdown last night when I was alone for the first time. I think I had finally started to process what was happening. Everyone was reassuring me that things would probably be okay, but I just had a bad feeling the whole time. I was prepared for the worst. And honestly, I think that helped my grieving process.

With Lincoln, I had a feeling he was a boy from the moment I found out we were expecting. With this one, I couldn't feel it. I couldn't connect. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but I recognize it now. My fear was holding me back. Maybe it was Heavenly Father helping me guard my heart.

In a way, I am grateful for the experience. I can, now even in the smallest way, understand other women who have suffered in a similar way. I have friends who have said goodbye to a baby at 18 weeks. 20 weeks. Full term stillborn.

I have always feared loss, as I know most women do. It is so, so common. I am so glad we opened up about this. I have received so many sweet calls and messages. I know I'm not alone. I have grown closer to others because of this trial.

One of the biggest reasons I told everyone about our loss is to help others know they're not alone. I am very open about our struggles. I learned a lot from other experiences, so I wanted to share mine as well. I hope these words help others in their healing. You never forget and you never fully heal, but you learn to cope. I know I'm still in the beginnings of coping, but I have so much respect for the women, and fathers, that pick up and keep moving. Keep hoping, keep loving, and keep trying. It's a long, hard road, but it's all a learning experience. Writing this has helped me heal. 

We look forward to next time. I've been changed because of this, but I've been changed for the better. I am stronger. My love for Lincoln has grown immensely. I have such a sweet boy to hold and to cherish. I have the most amazing husband that assured me through the whole process that everything would work out. And it did. And it will. We have grown stronger as a couple and our love has grown deeper.

Thank you all for all of your kind words, sweet messages, and understanding. We have been healed by your sweet friendships and love.

Love,
Jenny, Thomas, and Lincoln