Angel Baby: March 22, 2017

Warning: This story will include details regarding a miscarriage and the events following. A photo of the fetus in the sac will also be shown.

After it was confirmed the baby passed away at 8 weeks, we scheduled the removal of the pregnancy for two days later. Medications to help clear the pregnancy were mentioned, but the nurse and I both felt the procedure would be the best treatment. A fresh start.

This morning, I woke up with a stomach ache and cramps at 4 am. I wasn't sure if I had eaten something that didn't agree with me, but I was stuck in the bathroom all morning.

Eventually, I started cramping. I got into the bath to try and calm things down. It helped a little so I tried going back to bed.

By 8 am the pain became unbearable. I was having major spasms and thought I was having contractions. I remembered the way it felt when I went into labor with Lincoln. Except this time was much, much more painful. I called Thomas at work to let him know things had gotten much worse. I wasn't sure if I would need to go to the ER and there was no way I would be able to drive myself. I also had Lincoln at home with me. My doctor's office wasn't open yet, so calling them wasn't an option.

I ran into the bathroom not sure what was going on. I was screaming, yelling, and grunting through the contractions. I was yelling at God to please, please do something for me. Anything. I was praying so loudly to help with the pain. I crumbled to the floor and crawled to the bath. I immediately felt the urge to push, exactly how it felt with my contractions with Lincoln.

So I pushed.

Then suddenly, I had a very calm, serene moment. I was still contracting, but I was at peace with everything. I took a few deep breaths and pushed again. I looked down and saw the sac. I pulled it the rest of the way out.

I screamed in disbelief. I had no idea what to think.

As I inspected the sac, I immediately saw the baby. The most perfect little baby bean. I saw eyes, arms, legs and the umbilical cord. I was content. In awe. Intrigued. Shocked.

I then passed the placenta. And it was finally over.

Thankfully, Thomas was almost home at this point. Unfortunately, Lincoln saw the whole thing. He was concerned but never got upset even though I was screaming so much. And I was so grateful he wasn't traumatized by my pain.

When Thomas got home I was able to show him the sac and baby. It was a really neat experience. He even helped me take the picture of the baby.

Passing the baby at home was the best outcome I could have asked for. Even though it was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had to face, it was perfect. I didn't have to undergo a traumatic surgery. There were risks involved with the procedure that could potentially change our future as parents. And because I did it on my own, getting pregnant again will not be as much as a risk as it would be following the surgery.

I have been spotting, bleeding, and passing very large clots for almost 3 months. I was so glad it was finally over. And for the first time in a long time, I am no longer in pain. This natural process was the best way for my body to heal. And it is such a relief.

I am so grateful I was able to survive something so scary without any medical intervention. I almost called 911 a few times, but I am glad I didn't. My pain was virtually gone immediately afterwards. It was finally the relief I needed.

Going through this process has helped me have closure. I did it on my own, I got to see it, and I got to say goodbye to our tiny baby. It was perfect.

Tomorrow, I will head to our local farmers market and nursery to pick out a tree. The baby will go into a small wooden box and buried with the tree in a pot. Once we buy a house, I will plant that tree in our yard. I want to always remember this child and see new life grow.

Thank you all so much for your love and support. I would never survive something like this without all of you. We are so blessed.