"Too Beautiful for Earth"

I am 11 weeks along in my third pregnancy and in the midst of my second miscarriage. It was confirmed today that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks along. I'd been having complications, but tried holding onto that little bit of hope that everything was okay.

My 7 week scan was perfect. We saw the little flutter of a heartbeat. Measuring right on time. But a week later, our little gummy bear would stop growing and return back home. But we wouldn't know for another month.

We were ecstatic. I'd just had a miscarriage, so this pregnancy was a complete surprise. My first two pregnancies were Clomid babies, but this one was completely natural. And it was amazing. It was a fresh start after experiencing the pain of my first loss just a few weeks before.

I had a few scares throughout the short 11 weeks I carried this baby. The first scare was just a few days after I got a positive test. And it seemed all too familiar. The scare ended up being okay. Our 7 week scan confirmed that. I had some spotting since before I found out I was expecting, but the obgyn couldn't see anything that would explain it. And then I had another scare. And another. My heart couldn't take it.

The next 4 weeks would be full of lots of ups and downs. I thought every day was the last day.  Every time I used the restroom. Every morning when I woke up. I thought it was over. The spotting was concerning, but there wasn't much concern as bleeding is fairly common. But eventually the symptoms would become a lot scarier.

We scheduled my 12 week scan for early September. I called to schedule a scan a week sooner because something felt off. And this morning I saw our baby bean very still with no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for bad news. But nothing can actually prepare you. Having to see and hear that there is no longer a heartbeat was a lot harder than I ever imagined.

The sweet ultrasound tech let me sit in an extra room so I didn't have to wait out in the lobby. I was alone. I started to hyperventilate and black out. I almost threw up. I couldn't control my body for a few minutes. It was scary and so hard.

I met with a nurse and she talked me through the next steps. I will go in Wednesday morning for a D&C, Dilation and curettage, to remove everything left behind. I am nervous but so ready for the physical pain to be over. 

I told Thomas, after our second scare, that I just wanted it to be over if it was truly over. I just wanted it to end. I think that was my way of coming to terms with reality. My heart was still hopeful, but my logic was too strong to ignore. My intuition was telling me that it wasn't okay. And I was right.

I was never able to connect with this pregnancy. I connected to Lincoln immediately. I never connected with my first miscarriage, either. I think a mother's intuition is very strong and in order to protect myself, I had to convince my heart it wasn't going to be a happy ending.

We are still healing from our first loss, which is helping make this second loss somewhat bearable. Even though I am further along this time, I have already experienced a very similar mourning process. The physical healing will finally be able to start after surgery on Wednesday. I am so ready for the healing process to begin. We will continue trying to add more spirits to our family, but we will never forget our angel babies in heaven.