The Dance

Recently I saw a picture that really hit me with all the feels. I posted it because it was such a special feeling I got when I first saw it. The only caption was ❤. I didn't mean to vague-book on Facebook, but a few people were upset that I'd had another miscarriage. I feel SO bad that I sent the wrong message. I really need to be more careful! All is well and there is no miscarriage.

This photo was so special and so real for me. Because it portrays exactly how I feel. I've had to give two angels back to heaven. The comfort I felt seeing this was so real and deep.

Pregnancy loss has been on my mind a lot lately. I never really stop thinking about it, but recently it has hit close to home. A few people close to me have recently shared stories that I'll cherish forever. Some that are close to me just had a loss. Some have symptoms that could lead to a loss. Bleeding and scary things are happening to them. I take every loss around me harder than I should. But I've been there. I've had to endure it. More than once. And it has changed me.

Garth Brooks has a few songs that really hit all the feels with me, but for some reason one song in particular hits me hard every time. It's a love song, but it reminds me of my short time with babies I only knew in the womb and my experiences with them.

My losses have shaped me. But I'm so glad I didn't miss the dance. 

The excitement of a pregnancy, seeing the strong heartbeat at the first ultrasound, and the idea of another person in our lives was such a special feeling. Even if only temporary.

I fell more in love with my husband during such a hard time. I had to give him the worst news no father should ever have to hear. But he held me when my world felt like it was crumbling. And I couldn't have done it without him as my rock and comforter.

My love for Lincoln grew even deeper. I'm already pretty obsessed with the kid, but my losses helped me appreciate him so much more. I have a living, breathing child in my arms. He is perfect and healthy. It changed my entire perspective and I recognized just how blessed we are to already have him.

I bond so deeply with people when I share my story. Just yesterday I was talking to some ladies at church about miscarriages. They shared their stories of loss with me. I love that we can share something so sacred with each other and help heal from such difficult things. Even 20 years after their losses. Hearing other experiences helps me in so many ways. I have never felt alone in this. And I love the bond I feel when I talk about it with other sweet angel mamas.

When we found out we were expecting in June of last year, we were over the moon. The Clomid worked! All the world was right. And then suddenly it was over. I didn't expect to have to say goodbye so soon.

And then suddenly I was pregnant again. But I wouldn't know it until I was almost 8 weeks pregnant. And again, it was over so soon after. And I endured one of the most tragic experiences when I delivered my baby at home in my bathtub. It was one of the best outcomes but one of the worst experiences of my life. But I'm grateful for the way it all worked out. If you would like to read the whole story of my delivery, you can read it in a previous post here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will never stop talking about my angels in heaven and all things miscarriage. Whether you were pregnant for 3 days or 3 months, the hurt is real. It's there. Just knowing there was life growing inside of you is enough. A person's a person, no matter how small.

❤