Time Well Spent

I read this quote as a new mother and it has always been so dear to me. I know it may seem silly, but even when Lincoln was a newborn I felt like I was always messing up. It's natural to feel that way as a first time mom, but knowing I'm not alone brought a lot of comfort.

Over the last few months, I've started to reassess my priorities. I found I was wasting a lot of time on frivolous things, especially my phone. It was bad. If you know me, you know I'm always posting photos of my little tot and the things we do. I love sharing with everyone. That part wasn't sucking my attention. It was the mom groups. And they were toxic.

In my first pregnancy, I found an online group of women that shared the same due date month as me. It was so fun to talk about symptoms, how we surprised our husbands, first kicks, ultrasounds, etc. As time went on, it was even more fun to see videos of first steps, first words, smiles, and everything wonderful about the babies. Watching them learn and grow was so exciting. We even had a few moms, myself included, meet up a few times! Some very, very good things happened because of the group. Milk sharing, Christmas gift swaps, random visits, and so many good deeds.

Along with the good came the bad. Naturally, a group of women with differing backgrounds and opinions can get pretty heated. The normal vax/anti vax, circumcision, and parenting conversations were brought up, but those were never really the issue. It eventually became personal. Things got pretty ugly when Lincoln was just 2 months old. At one point, I was on the floor in hysterics because I felt so attacked. And not long after that is when my postpartum depression hit me full speed. The mom group issues weren't all to blame, but they definitely leeched into my real life and that was so scary.

The storm passed and the group mended. I stayed very active and interacted with the moms on a daily basis. I had been for years. Everything was going swimmingly. I was building lifelong friendships with these wonderful women. Some naturally faded as life got busier, but a lot of us became so much closer. We were all there to support. From teething remedies, to toddler meal ideas, to random "Is this dress cute?" posts. They were my girlfriends and my confidants. They knew I was pregnant the second and third time before I was even able to tell my family. We Skyped. They were my people.

I ignored the fact that I was wasting the day away on my phone. I didn't want to admit I had a problem. I was with my child all day. Yes, I played with him. Fed him. Went on walks. But my phone never left my hand. I justified it and told myself that I still needed adult interaction, even if it meant chatting with my mom friends online.

About a month ago, I decided to call it quits on the mom group. I'd been a member since I was 8 weeks pregnant with Lincoln. It was a tough decision, but I immediately felt free. I wasn't chained to the curiosity of what was being posted or discussed. Just before I left, I was confiding in them about my miscarriages. I had a lot of support around me in the real world, but it was so easy to get quick advice from other moms with a history of losses. Somehow, reaching out for support sent some women into a frenzy. I'm still not sure what exactly happened.

I was challenged, called a bully, and told I wasn't allowed to talk about my miscarriages in a group where I'd once felt safe. My closest friends in the group came to the rescue, but I was appalled that in one of the darkest times of my life and in the midst of another miscarriage, this was happening. Of all things and of all times. I simply asked someone to stop bringing up "drama" and pulling it out of thin air. There were no issues, but some just like to stir the pot. I won't go into any more details, because it's a moot point. But it was the best and worst thing to happen to me.

Now that I've left such a toxic environment, I've broken up with my phone. Not as much as I would like, but now I'll go hours without checking it. It's a freedom I wish I'd given myself so long ago. I even uninstalled silly time wasting games and apps so there would be even less temptation. That silly piece of plastic was hindering me.

With this newfound freedom, I feel like a better mom. I am no longer half listening to Lincoln's babble and chatter as he plays. I actually engage with him more. I'm not a ghost that's only present if he's doing something dangerous. I am finally, wholeheartedly, 100% his mother. And I'm embarrassed that it took me this long to wake up.

I'm even focusing on getting him on a better schedule during the day. (Hooray for more sleeping!) There were times where I wouldn't leave the house for two days. I didn't want to and I didn't have the energy. I'm not sure if that was my PPD to blame or the snow, but it was not good. At night, I'd think about my day. It was depressing to realize I sat on my phone, had Netflix on, and maybe threw a load of laundry into the wash. Lincoln was younger and not as mobile a that point, but it was still unhealthy. I was a Mombie.

As Lincoln is getting older, it's allowing me to enjoy activities with him. The park, walks, baby dance, story time, and on and on. I am soaking up these days with him. He is so much fun and I want to be there and help shape him into a good human. I thrive on schedules, and he is giving me the perfect excuse to get out and live.

A new sleep schedule, getting out and enjoying activities in the community, play dates, MOPS, library time, and more. I feel so refreshed and like I'm doing a good job. The mom guilt is fierce, but I'm slowly learning to overcome that poisonous mindset.

Recognizing my weaknesses and getting rid of distractions has been so liberating. I want to be the best mom for my Lincoln. He deserves a good mother and I am on my way to become just that.

The other night, as I washed the mud and dirt from his hair and fingers, I was so overwhelmed with my love for him. He was chattering away and playing with toys. Splashing and making a mess (he's really good at that). He nursed, we read books, and I rocked him before bed. I hugged and kissed him goodnight.

He will never be this little again and I don't want to miss out on any more memories. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and my whole world. I will be there as much as I can, and I'm so grateful I get to be his mama.